


If It Kills Me

by HeatherDawn82



Category: Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25675855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeatherDawn82/pseuds/HeatherDawn82
Summary: Elise has been Lin's best friend for years, helping him through some of the hardest times of his life, including his divorce.  She has also loved him for years.  Can he allow her to move out of his life, even if it's to save both of them heartache?
Relationships: Lin-Manuel Miranda/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 9





	If It Kills Me

**Author's Note:**

> I started this story as a multi-chapter story, but made it a one shot and changed a few other things.
> 
> The only characters I own are the characters of Elise (Ellie) and Cecile (CeCe)
> 
> The song used is "If it Kills Me" by Jason Mraz.

\----------------------------

October 2015  
\----------------------------

Elise stood by the stage door nervously. She had never been to a Broadway musical before and didn’t know what to expect. She looked at her younger sister nervously.  
“Is this stupid?” she asked Cecile.  
“What?” her sister replied, “waiting to see if you can meet some of the actors in the musical?” Elise nodded her head dumbly. “No! You were totally into the musical. And, it’s a great musical. I’m fine if we wait.” Elise bit her lip nervously. The area was really crowded.  
“Even if they come out, we probably won’t be able to meet anyone,” Elise said despondently. “It’s packed back here.”  
“All I’ve heard about is Lin-Manuel Miranda this, Hamilton that,” Cecile mocked. “You’re meeting Lin-Manuel Miranda if I have to attack him and tie him up!” Elise laughed at her sister’s enthusiasm. Finally, the door opened and Phillipa Soo, Leslie Odom Jr., and Renee Elise Goldsberry came out to cheers. Elise immediately decided to get in line to meet Phillipa Soo, since she was her favorite (other than Lin-Manuel Miranda of course). After they were done, Elise decided that Phillipa Soo might be the nicest person she had ever met. Plus, she was gorgeous. Elise looked down at her own much larger than average silhouette. She sighed. She has always harbored a dream to perform on Broadway but knew it would never happen. She sighed as she prepared to head towards Leslie Odom Jr. Suddenly, she noticed the stage door opening again. She felt her heart beating a million miles a minute as she saw Lin-Manuel Miranda come out.  
“There he is,” Cecile whispered to her. “Now’s your chance to meet him.” Elise nodded, taking a deep breath. “Ellie, don’t miss your chance!” Elise braced herself, then headed towards Lin. She stood awkwardly behind some teenage girls who were obviously trying to flirt with Lin. She giggled to herself. She could remember being a teenager and being “in love” with whatever celebrity (probably the Backstreet Boys she thought with a shake of her head). At 33 years old, Elise knew she was too old for the teenage behavior now, but that didn’t always stop her. She couldn’t deny- she was smitten with Lin-Manuel Miranda, the way that a teenager would be. She took a deep breath as he turned to look at her.  
“Hi sweetheart,” he said, flashing his trademark smile. “What’s your name?”  
“Elise,” she said, smiling nervously at him. He was actually talking to her! She was talking to Lin-Manuel Miranda!  
“Elise,” he said, taking her playbill to sign. “That’s a beautiful name. French, right?”  
“Yes,” she said smiling. “It is.” He handed the playbill back to her. As he did their eyes locked. Elise felt this electric buzzing go through her body. She gasped as she looked into his eyes. Did he feel it too?  
“Selfie?” he asked. Elise almost hit herself in the head. She was meeting Lin-Manuel Miranda and had almost forgotten to take a picture with him!  
“Yes,” she said energetically. “If you don’t mind.”  
“Not at all sweetheart,” he said, taking her phone. They posed for the photo and he handed her phone back to her.  
“Thank you so much,” she gushed to him, smiling hugely.  
“Not a problem at all Miss Elise,” he said, grinning. “It was an absolute pleasure to meet you.” She smiled at him one more time, then walked away. She headed over to where Cecile was waiting.  
“You did it!” Cecile announced, hugging her older sister.  
“Yes,” Elise said, letting out a breath she wasn’t aware she had been holding. “I did.”  
“You ready?” Cecile asked, nodding to show Elise that most everyone had left now. “I’m starving so let’s find somewhere to eat.”  
“Okay,” Elise said, walking away with Cecile. The two girls started down the street.  
“Did someone say food?” she heard someone ask. The two girls turned to see Lin jogging to catch up with them. Elise was shocked- was he wanting to come along with them??  
“Yes,” Cecile said easily. “I’m absolutely starving, and Ellie wouldn’t let me eat before the show.”  
“We didn’t have time,” Elise shot back, “because you take forever to be ready for anything!”  
“Ellie?” Lin asked, raising his eyebrows with a goofy grin.  
“Yes,” Elise responded. “It’s a nickname for- “  
“Elise,” Lin replied. “I remember your name.” Cecile giggled, and Elise elbowed her in the rib.  
“Anyway,” Cecile said, rolling her eyes at her older sister, “we’re going to get food now.”  
“Mind an extra?” Lin asked, looking at Elise hopefully. This time Cecile elbowed Elise in the rib.  
“Not at all,” Elise replied, smiling softly at Lin.  
They ended up at a hole in the wall burger joint at Lin’s suggestion. The food was amazing, and the company was even better. Cecile was usually the life of the party, but Elise really felt that she and Lin were connecting. She knew that even though she found Lin attractive and one of the most amazing men on the planet (even more now that she was getting to know him), he was married and had a young son. The most she could hope for was being Lin’s friend. And who knows if he even wanted to be her friend- he might just have been being nice because he knew the girls were fans. They all stood up from the table as they got ready to leave the restaurant.  
“Well Thomas sisters,” Lin said, putting an arm around both Elise and Cecile. “This night has been awesome.” Elise and Cecile both quickly agreed. “So….” Lin continued, “Can I have your numbers? I’m always looking for friends.”  
“Sure,” Cecile replied instantly. Elise could only nod. Was this really happening? “I have a feeling we’re going to be great friends,” Cecile said handing Lin her phone.  
“Best friends,” Lin replied, kissing Elise’s cheek as he typed.

\-------------------------------------------

4 Years Later (February 2019)  
\-------------------------------------------

Elise sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. She looked up from her laptop as something plopped down beside of her. She looked over to see Lin’s four-year-old son, Sebastian, giggling.  
“Oh, you think you’re funny, do you?” Elise laughed, learning over to tickle the boy.  
“Oh no no!” Sebastian cried, laughing. “Not the tickle monster Ellie!” Elise laughed as she tickled him more.  
“Should I really be leaving you with these two?” Lin’s voice floated over to her. Elise looked to see him standing by the entry to the living room. He was dressed nicely in his suit with a bright red tie.  
“You look handsome,” Elise smiled at him. “Trying to make her see what she gave up?”  
“Haha,” Lin deadpanned. “Seriously, do I look okay?”  
“You look fine,” she said, smiling at him softly. She patted the seat on the other side of her, indicating for him to sit, which he did. She placed her head on his shoulder.  
“You okay?” she asked. He nodded slowly.  
“Yeah,” he said. “I just can’t believe this is happening.” Elise looked over at Sebastian.  
“Seb, buddy, why don’t you go see what you want to wear today, and pick up your toys? I’ll be in to help you in a few minutes,” Elise told him. He nodded, running off.  
“I never thought I would be getting a divorce,” she said, letting out a long sigh. “I thought Vanessa was it. I thought we would be together forever.”  
“Sometimes things don’t work out the way you thought they would,” she said. “but everything happens for a reason. There’s a reason why your marriage with Vanessa didn’t work out.” He nodded.  
“How are you always the voice of reason?” he asked, laughing. “It’s one of the reasons Vanessa and I both love you. We didn’t fight over the apartment, the kids, or even the dog. We fought over you! Of course, I was your friend first, so I won.” Elise laughed.  
“I’m both of your friends,” she said, patting Lin’s cheek. “If I have to choose though, I’ll choose you every time Lin. You’re my best friend.”  
“Thank you,” he said, kissing her cheek. “And thank you for flying to New York just to watch the boys so that we could have this final court hearing so we can put all this behind us.”  
“You know I’d do anything for you,” she said as he pulled her into a tight hug. She closed her eyes at the contact, savoring the warmth. Elise wasn’t a particularly touchy-feely person, but it was a totally different story when it came to Lin. She allowed her mind to wander just a little while the hug went on for an extended period of time. In her fantasy, she was Lin’s wife, and his heartache with Vanessa was just a distant memory. Of course, Elise didn’t hate Vanessa, and she was still in Elise’s fantasy as a friend and co-parent to Sebastian and Francisco. She was remarried and was happy as well. Elise sighed happily.  
“What are you thinking about?” Lin asked, finally pulling back, a ghost of a smile on his face.  
“Nothing,” she replied softly. “Just taking in how warm you are.” He laughed at that.  
“Well,” he said, “I guess I should head out. “Are you sure you can handle these two terrors?”  
“You mean the two angels you and Vanessa brought into the world?” she asked, raising her eyebrows, making Lin laugh. “Yes, we’ll be fine. Good luck!” Lin kissed her cheek and then he was gone. Elise sighed, before going to help Sebastian and Francisco get ready to go to lunch. She adored Lin and Vanessa’s boys, and she could see herself as their stepmother. She imagined again a world where this was her home too, where Lin’s bed was also her bed. She felt her eyes well up with tears.  
“Ellie what’s wrong?” Sebastian asked. “Are you sad?” Elise snapped out of her daydream and looked at Sebastian.  
“Oh no buddy,” she said. “I was just thinking.” She shot the boy a watery smile before picking Francisco up, taking his hand, and heading to lunch.

\-------------------------------------------------

6 Months Later (August 2019)  
\-------------------------------------------------

Elise sighed as she sleepily rubbed her eyes while she checked her alarm clock: 3:15 am. What was that noise? She quietly walked out into the living room, finding Lin sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal on his cell phone.  
“What are you doing awake?” she asked him, going into the kitchen for a glass of water.  
“I’m texting Lexie,” he replied happily. Elise wanted to throw up. Lexie was Lin’s new girlfriend, and Elise couldn’t stand her.  
“Is this going to affect your being up in time to take me to the airport tomorrow for my flight back home?” she asked, looking at him accusingly.  
“No,” he drawled out, looking at her. “Besides, if you would just move here to New York with me it wouldn’t matter.”  
“I told you,” Elise replied, sitting next to him. “West Virginia is my home. Cecile is there, and so is my grandma.” He rolled his eyes.  
“I know, I know,” he said. “Bring them to New York too.” Elise laughed.  
“My grandma would die here,” she said, “and I doubt Cecile would be very receptive to that.” He laughed, pulling Elise to him. Elise sighed as she snuggled into his side, relishing how natural and right this felt.  
“You are the best friend anyone could have,” Lin said, leaning down and kissing Elise’s forehead. Elise smiled, even though she felt her heart breaking. She wanted desperately to be so much more than just Lin’s best friend. She loved him so much that she didn’t know what to do. Lin ran his fingers through her hair as they sat in the darkness of the living room in companionable silence. She chanced a look up at him and saw him looking down at her with such an adoring look it made her want to burst into tears. What in the world was happening to her?  
“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.  
“Yeah,” she said softly. “I’m fine.” He leaned down towards her, softly placing his hand on her cheek. In a trance like state and unable to deny Lin anything, Elise leaned up, meeting his lips in a soft kiss. Kissing Lin was like nothing Elise had ever imagined. It was like coming home after being gone for years and years. It was like finally finding water when you had been wandering in the desert for days. The kiss turned passionate quickly, causing Elise to moan softly. As the passion increased, the two started pulling clothes off of each other. Finally, Lin pulled back from Elise.  
“Are you sure about this?” he asked, softly stroking her cheek. Unable to form words, all Elise could do was nod.  
Elise sighed as she looked at the clock. 4:45 am. She was lying naked in Lin’s bed. He was sound asleep next to her. In a few short hours he was supposed to be taking her to the airport. She knew in her heart of hearts that he would regret what happened. She could also imagine that once he told Lexie (and of course he would tell Lexie, because that’s just the kind of guy Lin was. Once he had done wrong, he did everything in his power to make it up to the person) she would be furious with both of them. She already didn’t like Elise spending so much time with Lin. Her heart couldn’t handle Lin waking up and telling her that tonight had been a mistake. Resolving her nerve, Elise slipped out of bed, quickly getting dressed before packing her belongings. She quickly ordered an Uber and headed down to the lobby of Lin’s apartment building to wait for it. By the time she made it to the lobby she was sobbing. She knew their relationship would never be the same again, and more than likely she’d never even talk to him again. She steeled her nerves as she saw the Uber pull up. She grabbed her luggage and left New York to head back to her life in West Virginia.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

4 Months Later (December 2019)  
\-------------------------------------------------------------

Elise sighed as she rubbed her temple as the students filed out of her classroom. Thankfully, this was her last class of the day and she could go home and rest. She had been so tired. She softly rubbed her baby bump that had begun to form.  
“I think you’re hungry baby,” she said softly. “Maybe we’ll order Chinese tonight. We’ll have to see if Aunt CeCe wants Chinese.” She gathered her items and headed home.  
Elise lounged comfortably on the couch post dinner. Cecile was lying on the recliner and they were watching Friends reruns.  
“How are you feeling?” Cecile asked her sister.  
“Okay I guess,” Elise said, shrugging. “It’s still overwhelming, but I’m taking it one step at a time.”  
“Have you talked to Lin?” Cecile prodded. Elise groaned.  
“No,” she said. “I can’t.”  
“Why?” Cecile asked. “Is he still calling and texting?”  
“Not as much as when I first got home,” Elise said, “but occasionally. He won’t give up.”  
“Doesn’t he deserve to know that you’re having his baby?” Cecile asked gently.  
“It will ruin his life,” Elise said, determined. “It will ruin his relationship with Lexie, and I can’t hear him tell me that what happened between us was a mistake.”  
“You don’t even know if he feels that way,” Cecile pointed out.  
“Of course he does,” Elise said. “Look at me- I’m nothing. Lexie could be a supermodel. He’s not going to throw that away for me.” Cecile rolled her eyes.  
“I’m not going to even respond to that,” she warned. She stood up, heading to her bedroom.  
“I’m spending the night at Trevor’s,” she called. “Will you be okay by yourself?” Trevor was Cecile’s boyfriend and she often spent the night with him.  
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said. Elise leaned back on the couch and sighed. She got up slowly and made her way to the kitchen to load the dishwasher. She turned on some music while she worked.  
“All I really wanna do is love you  
A kind much closer than friends use  
But I still can't say it after all we've been through  
And all I really want from you is to feel me  
As the feeling inside keeps building  
And I will find a way to you if it kills me  
If it kills me”  
Elise felt tears streaming down her face. How had she gotten to this point? She knew she should really call Lin and try to explain. But four months had already passed by. He did occasionally try to text and call, but it wasn’t like he was tracking her down trying to find out what was going on. No, she would have to continue down the same path she had already chosen. She had eliminated all of her other options. If only she hadn’t been so scared, if only she had talked to Lin after the night they shared together…. They might not be together, but she would still have her best friend and she would have support for the baby. She jumped when she heard her phone ring. She looked over to see Vanessa’s name flash on the screen. She gulped. Should she answer it? And why was Lin’s ex-wife calling her? She and Vanessa had become close after she became friends with Lin, but she hadn’t talked to her since that night she left New York either, mostly because she was afraid that Vanessa would tell Lin whatever she said. The only people she had confided in were Cecile and Phillipa Soo, once of Lin’s castmates from Hamilton. They had become friends through Lin, and she was glad to have Phillipa. She also encouraged Elise to talk to Lin. She took a deep breath before putting her phone to her ear.  
“Hello?” she said timidly.  
“Ellie,” she heard Vanessa’s voice. “I’m surprised you picked up.”  
“Me too,” she admitted, causing Vanessa to laugh.  
“Alright chica,” Vanessa said, “what’s going on?”  
“What do you mean?” Elise asked, playing dumb.  
“What happened between you and Lin?” she asked. “It’s been four months since you’ve talked. He’s a wreck!”  
“I um, I….” Elise trailed off, not sure what to say. Sure, Vanessa was her friend, but she was also Lin’s ex-wife.  
“First of all,” Vanessa said, “You’re still my friend. And Lin’s my friend. And all I want is for both of you to be happy. So, don’t worry about making me upset. You won’t. So, how about you tell me what happened and how you’re feeling about it, and then I’ll tell you what I know?”  
“Okay,” Elise breathed, nervous. Finally, ready to talk to someone besides Cecile (she had confided in Pippa, but not about everything. She didn’t know that Elise was in love with Lin, or that she was currently pregnant with his baby), Elise sobbed as she told Vanessa everything- how she found herself hopelessly in love with Lin, the night they slept together and knowing he would think it was a mistake, the running away at 4 am to catch her flight back home, and about being pregnant now.  
“Wow,” Vanessa said. “You’re pregnant?”  
“Yeah,” Elise said softly.  
“And Lin doesn’t know?” she asked.  
“No,” Elise replied, feeling guilty.  
“Oh, you two,” Vanessa said. “Now you listen to me Ellie. Lin is in love with you. You’re all he can think about. When you left in the middle of the night, he took it as a rejection, but he couldn’t let you go. That’s why he texts and calls, which I know you don’t answer.”  
“Wait,” Elise said. “He’s in love with me? You must be mistaken. I don’t- “  
“He is,” Vanessa insisted. “He told me so. He wants to be with you Ellie.” Ellie burst into tears all over again.  
“I also called to give you a warning,” Vanessa said. “If you run, I’ll kill you. Lin’s on his way to see you.” Elise’s eyes got huge.  
“What?” she exclaimed, “but the baby- “  
“He’s going to be thrilled about the baby,” Vanessa insisted. “and he’s an excellent father. You’ve seen that with our boys. You and Lin both deserve to be happy. And what’s going to make each of you happy is each other. Allow yourself to be happy Ellie.” Elise sighed as she heard a knock at her apartment door.  
“Someone’s here,” she said softly. “I should go get that.”  
“Good luck,” she heard Vanessa say warmly. “Just tell him the truth.” They hung up and Elise headed to the door, opening it to reveal Lin on the other side. His eyes got huge when he saw all of Elise.  
“You’re pregnant?” he asked, amazed. Elise nodded dumbly. It was now or never she decided.  
“Is that why you left?” he asked. “There’s someone else, isn’t there? Were you already dating him when we?”  
“Come inside,” she told him, ushering him through the front door of the townhouse. He sat on the couch. Elise sat beside him.  
“There isn’t anyone else,” Elise told him, taking a deep breath. “I’m four months pregnant Lin.” His eyes doubled in size.  
“You mean,” he stuttered. “It’s mine?” Unable to form words, she simply nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Elise felt tears rushing down her face.  
“You were dating Lexie when we slept together,” she said softly. “She hated me and was so mean to me. She constantly told me to get out of your life.” Elise steeled herself. It was time to come out with all of it now. “I was so in love with you that I would have done anything you asked. I don’t know how we ended up like we did, but I couldn’t regret it. But, as much as I hated her and she hated me, you had Lexie. I knew you’d tell me in the morning that it was a mistake. I couldn’t deal with that. My heart couldn’t take it. So, I ran. I called an uber and went to the airport myself. I half expected you to show up, but when you didn’t, it made my decision easier.”  
“If I had known,” he swore, “I would have chased you to the airport. When I woke up the next morning and you were gone, I took it as a rejection. I figured you thought it was a mistake.”  
“Once you started calling and texting, I couldn’t answer for the same reason. Then, when I found out I was pregnant I knew it was too late to try to fix anything with you. I knew you’d be so angry-“ Lin cut her off by pulling her into a tight hug.  
“I’m not angry,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “I’m sorry you felt that way. I’m sorry you thought that I was rejecting you. I would never reject you Elise.” She looked up at him quizzically. He almost never called her Elise- like everyone else she was close to, he always called her Ellie. He was looking down at her with such a look of love that it took her breath away. It was no surprise, then, when she felt his lips on hers. Softly at first, then slowly building with more passion. They didn’t separate until they both needed to breathe.  
“So,” he drawled, looking at her again, “you were so in love with me, huh?” She thought he might be teasing, but she could see the look of worry in his eyes.  
“I’m still in love with you,” she confessed, watching with wonder as his expression changed to one of pure joy.  
“Oh, thank God,” he said. “Ellie, I’m so in love with you that it’s crazy. I’m not sure when it happened, but it ruined my relationship with Lexie. She was so mean to you because she knew that I was in love with you. I think everybody did, but us.” He smiled at her. He pulled her close to his side and she snuggled into his side.  
“I don’t know what you want to do,” he said. “but I’m going to be here with you for the rest of our lives. If you want to get married, then we’ll get married. If you don’t, then we’ll just be together like this. I’m willing to do whatever it takes as long as I get to be with you. You and our baby. We can live here, or in New York. Whatever you want. I don’t care, as long as it’s us together. Well, I’ll have to keep my place in New York, because of work and because Vanessa’s there with the boys, but I can base myself from here if that’s what you want to do. I just want to be with you. You and our baby.” Elise smiled at him.  
“I want to be with you too,” she said, causing Lin’s whole face to light up. “and I want to marry you, but we don’t have to rush into that right now. I definitely want you to be here with me, helping me with our baby. You’re an amazing father, and I know this baby is going to love you just as much as Sebastian and Francisco do. We can figure out everything else. Let’s just do it together.”  
“Together sounds perfect to me,” Lin said, kissing her softly. Elise sighed happily into the kiss. For the first time in a long time, she felt like everything was going to be alright.


End file.
